I remember when I was in elementary school, I had questions about who God was, where He lived, and even if He used the bathroom. None of the answers I received satisfied me, and I felt like God was an old man with a stick, angry and ready to punish. These thoughts, which seemed wrong to me even as a child, turned me away from God as I got older.
I thought, If there is a God and He chooses to punish us, if He is constantly testing us in this world and looking forward to our near failure, I cannot believe in such a God.
I also struggled believing in a God whose last representative in this world was fighting and collecting loot, building and occupying an army, and commanding to kill those who were not his own, as is true of Mohammad.
But I still had questions. How was I created and how does the entire universe take place if there was no God?
Looking to Science
For a while I thought science was the only thing that could best answer that question. I read every book I could get my hands on, starting with Darwin and the theory of evolution. I read a lot about how the world works, the behavior of living things, and the development of communities and cultures. As an engineering student, it would have been absurd for me to believe anything else anyway. My life had to be science-based, of course, and my existence had to have a science-based explanation.
For a time I was a staunch atheist. However, over time, I realized that these scientific explanations were also blocked somewhere. Yes, mankind was able to explain what was going on in this world thanks to science that progressed over time. We were slowly understanding and reasoning about the secrets of this universe, the mechanics of the world we live on. But we couldn’t quite understand how it all started in the first place.
It was like playing with sand in a sandbox in a playground. It was possible to experiment with sands and make some inferences. For example, I could examine and understand the structure of the sands. I could try and find out how it behaves when it gets wet. I could measure their size and see if there were different kinds of sand. I could also find out by observing whether one type of sand changed into another. However, all these experiments and observations did not give me an idea of how the sand got into that box in the first place.
But most importantly, there was an unfilled void inside of me and I had no idea how to fill this void.
Knowing God
Later, when I graduated from college, a friend asked me a very strange question: “Do you believe in God? I think He has a plan for you. Do you want to get to know Him and find out what His plan is?”
“If there is a God, I would really like to know Him.” I said.
My friend and I began to read the Bible regularly. As I read, my curiosity increased because there was an ongoing story starting from the creation of the world and mankind. I realized that the Bible, which I used to read only as a story, was getting deeper and deeper. The answers to my questions about life and God were here. But what really impressed me was God’s compassion and love.
As I read and saw God’s love, I realized that something inside me had changed. If there is a God, this is how He should be: caring, loving, well-planned, and self-sacrificing for His children. A God who gives justice to His power, uses it not for Himself, but for His children, sacrificing His only beloved Son!
I asked myself what I was waiting for and decided to be baptized that day.
Not only did I find answers to all my questions about God, but I also found hope. No matter what happens now, I know God has a plan for my life and I can trust Him.
