by Esther, Member Care Pathways Intern
Being a missionary is difficult, regardless of the situation, but single missionaries face some unique challenges and blessings. Relationships, time, doubt, and that ever-elusive “until” can drag them down. Conversely, single missionaries can have flexibility, different options, deep relationships, and a valuable perspective.
Knowing some of the challenges and opportunities can help you more intentionally care for single missionaries!
When It’s Difficult
Relationships are hard, have you noticed? On the field, it doesn’t become less complicated, and field workers who are single find themselves in some tough situations relationally, not just romantically. It can be hard to find friends. There isn’t a husband or wife who’s just around. Their teammates are often busy, and those friendships aren’t always natural anyway. If you don’t speak the language, making local friends can be a challenge too. And, depending on the place, especially if the missionary is female, she might get some audacious and unwanted requests for relationships she is not looking for.
Time expectations can take some juice out, too. Sometimes people (maybe even the missionaries themselves) assume that because they’re single, they have so much time and energy on their hands! They are not a built-in babysitter or odd-jobs person. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and valid input and opinions!
Single missionaries might also have to suffer some uncharitable questioning of their ministry. Some people wonder if the ministry is just a trip or vacation for the single person. Some people assume the missionaries don’t really know what they’re getting themselves into or think they’re in over their head as an unmarried adult living overseas. All these things might be true, but it’s just as likely to be true for the married missionary. It’s better to assume the single missionary is in it for the long haul.
Finally, singles find themselves under the dreaded “until.” This until is all about dating and marriage. How long until you are going to find yourself a nice person and make the commitment? How long until you get out of this life phase? How long until you start doing ministry with a spouse? The single missionary may even be putting these untils on themselves. It can be a lot of pressure.
When It’s Good
Being single on the field isn’t all bad, though. While it’s not true that single missionaries have all the time in the world, they probably do have some special flexibility and options. They can open their home and go into other people’s homes more frequently and with fewer restrictions. They can pivot their work more quickly. And, they have to raise their salary and care for just one person!
I’ve also found that as a single, I have some pretty incredible friendships. I can stay up until two in the morning, spend the money God gives me on hosting, and talk with people about some really hard, vulnerable stuff. It’s difficult to have those moments when your spouse and kiddos are trying to sleep or are around to hear other people’s secrets. Also, the Church really is my family. My parents are a 17-hour flight away and I don’t have a husband, so I’ve discovered the need for support. The Church (not only a congregation, but everyone belonging to Christ’s body) becomes that. And, it’s pretty great.
Single people’s lives can also challenge the idols of marriage, sex, and romance. You don’t need these things to be complete. You don’t need these things to be holy. Yes, marriage is a lovely Biblical illustration, but so is singleness. Marriage is not the ultimate goal of life. Only Christ gives a full and satisfied life.
Ways to Help
So, what can you do, as part of a single missionary’s support network? Well, first of all, recognize that the missionary has limits. As much as they might believe it themselves, they are not capable of all things all the time. God can do anything. We cannot.
Since the missionary has a set amount of energy to draw from, give them space to rest. If they come back on home assignment, maybe offer them a place to crash. As their supporter, try to limit your expectations and demands on their ministry. Ask how they’re doing and what they need — and then follow up.
You can always reach out to the missionary. They need friends and mentors. They need people who are curious, caring, and good listeners. Communicate with consistency. Being intentional and consistent is huge for people living overseas.
Remember to ask about their ministry, and not marriage. If they have a romantic interest in their life, they will tell you when they’re ready. It can be very discouraging as a single person when people seem to care about their dating life and not their work life. Avoid easy comments like, “You’ll find someone at the right time.” You don’t know that. You might think you’re being encouraging, but sometimes those kinds of comments just hurt instead.
Finally, encourage them! Tell them what you’ve noticed in their life, and let them know you’re cheering them on. Show them the specific good things God is doing with them. Remind them how proud you are of them. It’s so nice to hear!
Final Thoughts
Remember that single and lonely are not synonyms. Just like everyone, there will probably be seasons of loneliness, but it’s unfair to assume that because someone is single, they feel alone. Don’t make the opposite assumption, either – that because they are in a season or lifetime of singleness that they don’t desire relationships. The best strategy is always to give the missionary the safe space to feel lonely, hopeful, full, guarded, and everything else they might feel!
Marriage is often exalted as a particularly wonderful thing in Christian circles. While marriage is a sweet and good thing, the early Church thought singleness was a pretty big deal, too. The monk and nun tradition has been going hard for a few thousand years. Singleness is not just something for the traditionalist or extremist. It’s a very real and viable calling for Christ-followers today.
Whether married or single, God will provide what is needed. He gives fulfillment, contentment, and purpose. To quote Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:17, after a few paragraphs on different relational lifestyles, “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.”
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Did you know that Team Expansion has a member care team that would love to help you connect and care for the missionaries in your life? Learn more about Member Care here.
