Loving Missionaries Well: Home Service

By Esther, Member Care

Most missionaries return to their home country every few years for a time of connection, celebration, rest, and support raising. Whether you are a church, a family member, or a friend, some insight might help you care for the missionary in your life during this time. A few of the issues you should expect are that a lot of things have changed while the missionaries have been gone, they might be experiencing culture shock, and it can be challenging for missionaries to share with authenticity and vulnerability.

Change

Many things change while missionaries are on the mission field. He or she has changed. You and your culture and society have changed, and if the missionary has kids, they have changed too.

Life cross-culturally is very different. When missionaries live with and spread the Gospel to those who have never heard it before, they care about many people who have little to no experience with a loving, perfect God. They might have witnessed miraculous healing or the casting out of demons. And they’ve gone through the complex journey of learning an entirely new language and culture. On top of this, the missionary might have physically changed, as their body has adapted to different cuisine, climate, and transportation.

You have also changed. Here at home, local and national events have shaped society and you. Family happenings, like deaths, births, weddings, and graduations, have altered the family structure and rhythms. You might have changed your perspective on ideas or expectations and plans for the future. Although it might seem like life follows the same-old pattern that it always has, little things have a way of adding up to make a big difference for the missionary, who has been in another part of the world for several years.

If the missionary has children, their kids have most likely changed as well. For one, they have grown in the past few years, both physically and as a person. Kids who grow up in a different culture than their parents’ culture are called Third Culture Kids (TCKs). Since they are still developing, they have mixed the culture of their parents with the culture around them, creating a unique “third culture.” In other words, they are not fully part of your culture or the other culture. They process all of life differently than both their “home” cultures, which makes for a truly unique and valuable perspective.

Culture Shock (Again)

You might have heard about culture shock — that thing that happens when someone has been overseas for a while, and suddenly it starts to rub them the wrong way. Surprisingly enough, it can also happen when a missionary returns. They need to process conflicting emotions and confront unfulfilled expectations.

Missionaries will experience a whole host of emotions, both up and down. For one, they want to be home, but the changes that have occurred can be difficult to process. Home might not feel quite like home anymore. This can be discombobulating.

A missionary’s expectations might not always fit their reality. They might expect to come back and feel safe and happy and free. Maybe they feel these things, but anger, fear, and sadness are showing up too. They might really, really enjoy eating Cheerios, but different things might bother them. For my mom — who spent many years in Southeast Asia — it angered her how people seemed to spend their money on pointless things. Your missionary might be going through something similar.

Sometimes interactions with people here can be surprising for missionaries. People they expected to ask many questions and listen to all their stories might not ask anything at all. Then again, they could be surprised when they learn that someone unexpected has been praying for them regularly. This difference in who seems to care and who doesn’t can be complicated for missionaries.

Also, it is good to keep in mind that missionaries who have been on the field for a long time will probably have a different outlook and reactions than newer missionaries. Experienced missionaries’ feeling of “home” might have shifted overseas or even disappeared entirely. They might be more settled into their travel rhythms and know what they need and don’t need.

Authenticity and Vulnerability

It can be complicated for missionaries to be authentic and vulnerable when they come home. This is not because they distrust or dislike you, but they face some unique challenges when visiting off the field. The amount of travel while visiting, the money factor, ministry pressure, and fear of being dismissed can force a fake smile on any missionary’s face.

For one, missionaries are often traveling for most of their return. Because of this travel, their families are probably tired. Even when the hosts are very welcoming and hospitable, sleeping somewhere new every week is exhausting and makes it difficult to offer up their full attention in relationships.

Money can also be a contributing factor to a missionary’s lack of vulnerability. Missionaries want to take really good care of the money people have given them. They want to be responsible and show that they are trustworthy. Even between good friends, sometimes adding the monetary dimension to a relationship can feel like there is an extra burden to show that their expenditures are not “frivolous to the investment.”

Along the same lines, ministry can add stress to relationships. The missionary is getting paid to share the Gospel and start disciple-making movements. This can begin to feel like professional Christian-ing, and if the missionary is not careful, this job can quickly become performance-based. Supporter pressure that emphasizes working all the time and being the perfect Christ-follower does not help the missionary with this complex. The missionary might feel the need to hide their problems and struggles.

Last, but not least, missionaries might be afraid of being shot down. They could have been unpleasantly surprised by people in the past. Where they needed comfort or empathy with their ministry and life, they might have found disappointment or discouragement.

Missionaries want to be heard and unconditionally accepted regardless of how many people they’ve baptized or how many times they’ve shared their testimony. Because of what they’ve experienced, the missionary might not be sure if you’re willing to do that. This is an excellent opportunity to buy them a meal, give them a big chunk of your time and attention, and listen to their stories—the good and the bad.

What Now?

Knowing some of the struggles that missionaries bring with them into their time away from the field will equip you to love and encourage well. As you give grace, ask intentional questions, and listen without judgement or criticism, missionaries will find the safety to share and grow before they return to the place where God has led them to serve.

When you both address your expectations and perceptions, your relationship can thrive, leaving the missionary with a safe place to come home to, and giving you insight into the ways God is moving around the world!